- Decide to go into the creepy house, abandoned summer camp, cave, train, plane, town to begin with. If your instincts are saying "bad idea, mate" they're probably right. That's why we have instinct. So when are inherent curiosity is piqued, we don't die. Ignoring that isn't brave, it just means most/all of your friends are gonna die.
- Never, ever split up. First off, it's a bad idea. Clearly, something unpleasant is happening. People are getting scared, nervous, or just confused. So, rather than stay in a group, where people can watch each others back, they split off. Sometimes they pair up, but it's still a bad idea.
- If you're a couple, particularly the main couple, you'll probably be okay. You'll have increasing horrible things happen to you, and at some point you'll almost definitely be separated, but you'll live. During this separation you'll either be convinced your partner is dead, or so sure of your love that you'll blindly throw yourself into harm's way to be reunited. Now just because one half of the partnership truly must be dead based on what's happened doesn't mean they should be counted out. Oh no. When all is lost, they'll probably appear wielding some off camera scrounged up item, attacking the terrifying force. Unless the body count hasn't been high enough. Then the guy must die, dramatically saving his gore smeared love.
- Black people are gonna die. It's the rules. Unless they're famous. Like Samuel L. Jackson, Busta Rhymes or L.L. Cool J. Although Samuel did die in Deep Blue Sea, so sometimes things get shaken up. If there are multiple black people, sometimes they make it to the end. Not often though. I can't think of any horror movies where the black couple survives. Feel free to correct me.
- Everyone's cell phones will die. Verizon can't hear you while you're desperately seeking help. Sorry. Or, if they're in a slightly more populated area, no one ever seems to break out the landlines. If they do try, the killer will have cut the power, the creature will have thrown a power company employee into the wires, there will be a natural disaster occurring that shorts out the power, etc.
- No matter how fast you run, the evil you're running from will slowly catch up to you. This will be for a myriad of reasons. There's always the good old standby of the attacking simply tripping, then there's the one safe place being locked, a car has no keys or has been somehow destroyed, you separated from your friends and now no one can help you, your friends are already dead. Depending on how important you are to the plot line will decide how you magically escape, at least for the time being. If it matters whether or not you survive, there will be something handy to strike back with. Reach around. There's probably a pipe, road flare, giant piece of glass, or sometimes a handy quickly eluded to early in the movie item nearby.
- If there is a "troubled" character, they will have some really handy skills Say they've just gotten out of prison, or they're from the wrong side of the tracks. Bingo. They probably know how to hot wire a car, or build a wealth of MacGyver level weaponry. These characters are often the main male interest, or barring that, the black sheep relative of one.
- Most movies exist in a realm where they must have never had a horror movie genre. If they did, perhaps more people would look at these situations, realize continuing was a terrible idea, and just go home. Or if they do mention horror movies, it's usually just one person who points out this is a terrible situations, and everyone else ignores them. Knowing they shouldn't continue doesn't seem to stop the one sane member of the party to actually leave.
- It's important to completely ignore the old people in the old towns you pass. They must just be inbred and crazy when they day you shouldn't keep going. I mean, you know better, right? You're young and the world is your soon to be blood covered oyster.
- Shortcuts are never, ever a good idea. Now that we've entered the GPS generation fewer people read maps. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't turn around and try to find a main road. Continuing farther into the creepy back woods with no cell phone service never ends well.
- The more "depraved" you are, the quicker you die. As a general rule anyway. If most of your screen time involves, drugs, drinking, sex, loud partying, or all of the above, your death will come quickly. But hey, you died having fun.
- Try to make it to morning. More often than not, those left standing at the break of dawn will generally be the ones to survive.
- If someone has a mysterious past, never go off on an adventure with them. When there's no help to be seen, and the body count starts to add up, you'll start getting bits and pieces of the ghosts in the reclusive person's closet. Interestingly enough, the one who brought down the terrible events will usually be one of the few survivors, if not the only one.
I'm a mid twenty something woman living in New England with my two dogs. I graduated college in 2008, and by then the economy was tanking. It was not a good time to enter the adult world. I was originally going to Vet school, but developed severe animal allergies. After 7 months of allergy shots, that affected my liver and actually made my symptoms much worse, i had to give up that dream. Now I'm just trying to find a steady job. I had major reconstructive knee surgery in November of 2011, so I'm still healing.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
In which I write things I've learned from scary movies
I have watched a lot of scary movies. These are movies from all sorts of decades, genres, budgets, and countries. They all run to pretty similar formulas, but I enjoy most of them. Just for shits and giggles, I thought I'd write down some of the things I've learned.